I’d met this girl at a party, and she was drunk and flirtatious. After a kiss on the cheek, I said I would hit her up. A week later, we scheduled a date, and to my surprise, she recommended something that I was interested in doing:

“Want to see a movie at the New Beverly Cinema? They are doing a free screening of The West Side Story!“

A movie date? At the New Beverly Cinema? And it’s free???

We decided to go there on Sunday early to hopefully secure our free seats, then maybe go out for drinks after. What made this even more exciting is that I have never seen The West Side Story! Admittedly, I am a sucker for movie musicals. Not that crap your girlfriend makes you listen to the soundtrack of when you’re driving to the beach together: Wicked, Dear Evan Hansen, Mean Girls: The Musical…

I feel your pain, btw, when the last girl I was with broke up with me, I heard a song from the Anastasia soundtrack in the background

The movie musicals I go for are the darker ones, have drama, and good fucking music. Say what you will, I’m the one who’s at least gotten laid because I know the lyrics to a few songs in Cabaret.

So I drive up to her place on Sunday, the anticipation is building, I had met her before through the goggles of Costco vodka and white claws. Will it be the same? After 10 minutes of me waiting in the car, waiting for her to come out (I should just leave next time a girl does that to me), she walks out:

Maybe I was too drunk at that party. And it wasn’t even her looks that bothered me. It was what she was wearing! A Versace windbreaker? A onesie? My goodness, is this a date or a post-bong rip late-night trip to McDonald’s after getting intense munchies?

Fine… let’s go see the movie, maybe the night will still end up being fun, I’m an open-minded guy. As we drive to the theater, we go through the standard small talk, she tells me she wants to be a filmmaker. Well, okay then, she’s a smart girl trying to make it out here without being an influencer, I like that! Maybe this night won’t go so bad after all.

We show up at the New Beverly Cinema, stand in that iconically long line.

The conversation as we stand there is casual, but less than impressive. I honestly can’t remember what she said, except for telling me about some drama between her and her roommates. I usually can bring the excitement into boring conversations, but this was a particular challenge. The only way to move to the next topic was for us to enter the theater and figure out what food to get, which finally happened.

We got our popcorn and snacks, sat near the back of the theater. There are 3 reasons you sit in the back of the New Beverly Cinema:

Most likely area for a celebrity who comes to sit
Usually pretty empty because it’s so far from the screen
Which means it’s the best place to make out with your date

Making Out at the New Beverly Cinema is EASY

Now with all this in mind, let’s start the show! The lights in the theater dim, and the classic film trailers start playing. We are still having some casual conversations throughout; it seems like all is going well. The iconic New Beverly Cinema feature presentation clip plays:

The movie begins! After the long West Side Story intro title card plays out, we now see the “The Jets” gang snapping their fingers in synchronicity. Very typical 1950s white teenage gang. The camera pans left as they move around a basketball court, which then moves into a full-blown dance number. Hey, I’m impressed!

As I’m watching intently, she starts laughing out loud! I turn and look, she’s laughing hysterically and loudly, this was the only person in the theater saying a peep. I lean in towards her:

“Whats up?” “Haha it’s so corny! Why are they dressed like that?”

Okay, maybe it’s not her kind of movie, I get that. But to talk and laugh this loud? I bite my tongue. Hopefully, she stops when the intro sequence is over, you know, when you have to start paying attention to the dialogue.

The next hour and a half was a nonstop barrage of her talking out loud! She couldn’t shut up the whole time, annoying everyone around us. I was so embarrassed, I shushed her a few times, but she couldn’t stop. She made fun of the movie the whole time, clearly not understanding that movies made in the 1950s have a certain tone and style that’s a bit different than what you used to. Yes, movies back then had an exaggerated tone, on top of trans-Atlantic accents, that’s the charm!

YOU’RE A FILMMAKER, YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THIS!

Here is an insight into some of the comments I can recall she said out loud (when I say out loud, I mean, you can literally hear from 4-5 rows down):

“Their voices are so odd, it makes no sense.” “Why do they talk like that?” “They all seem gay, it’s so funny” “I feel like this is a movie for old people” “Is the brother having sex with his sister? Weird haha”

All of her comments were not just straight-up mockery, but genuine confusion. It’s almost as if she thought we were at a screening of The Room, laughing at serious moments, but not laughing at a joke or a funny moment in the film. And again, her tone wasn’t cynical; it was as if she couldn’t keep up with it, missing all the charm and smart moments in the film.

I was so pissed, but the funny part was, I also was LOVING the movie! Do I end the date now? Should I just leave? How often are there screenings of The West Side Story? Maybe she will stop this banter, maybe at some point! I thought, I will take it for now, until this scene started playing:

As a film nerd, when this scene plays, a lot of things are going through my head…

"holy shit the cinematography is so good" "are they using green screen?" "jeez I've felt like this before" "the scene is directed like an ethereal dream" "why am I getting emotional?" "wow that purple lighting is the most unique thing I've ever seen in film" "is he crying out to god? to maria?" "this is cinema!"

You see why I like musicals? Anyway, as I am having a film-nerd orgasm, she bursts out laughing right at the last shot, when the camera starts pulling out into the wide shot of Tony. Are you fucking kidding me! I’m done, I decide I am done with this date; luckily, the intermission screen shows up shortly after. We leave our seats and go to the lobby.

Me: “So I’m getting a bit tired. Why don’t we just leave?”

Her: “Well, I kind of want to finish the movie, it’s not great, but I would like to finish it”

Me: “Umm yeah, I mean the movie sucks, so why don’t we just leave?” (me pathetically agreeing with her, ugh)

Her: “Okay, let me use the restroom, and we can decide.”

I wait outside for her, vaping away the stress of the night. As I look at the small cluster of young couples standing outside, kissing and holding each other, I think to myself: all these men have a Maria in their arms. As I scan around more, I feel the puncture of loneliness set in. It was so long ago when I had a girl in my arms who was on the same page as me. Maybe not enjoying everything I enjoy, but understanding why I enjoy them. Someone who appreciates history, respects the past, and loves to watch good movies at the New Beverly Cinema. Isn’t that all we could ask for?

As I am staring at these couples, I start to feel a sense of arousal now, a pent-up horniness that is now escalating. Hey, maybe I will get lucky tonight. The girl walks out of the bathroom towards me… you know what, I start noticing something else about her. She’s got a great ass, pretty sexy if she wasn’t wearing that stupid versace windbreaker. Who knows where this night could go!

I ask “Do you still want to go?”

She says, “I mean, what do you want to do? I don’t mind finishing the movie”

“Okay, cool.”

The intermission lights flash, and we go back inside.

We sit. The movie plays. She proceeds with her obnoxious comments. I’m not thinking straight, the small head is thinking, I’m horny and goddamit I am going to make something of this horrific night. So I decided to make a move. This stock footage below shows you step 1 of my strategy:

I secured the arm around the shoulder, and over the course of the next 30 minutes, we slowly leaned into each other closer. Her head starts leaning a bit more on my shoulder. Once this happened, she started to shut up a little! Okay, this is the move, this is why she wanted to go to the theater. This wasn’t a real date for her; she wanted something else. I get it now!

Step 2 of my strategy was to start holding her hand. I grab her left hand, and we start… hand fondling? I don’t know what you call that, but when you move your fingers, palms, etc., into and out of each other. Here is a stock photo to help explain:

Then step 3 was to do the makeout. If step 3 succeeds, maybe this night would have been worth it. Mind you, I am still paying attention to the movie, and she is saying a few things here and there, but I am determined! I wait for the “green light”, the moment you stare into each other’s eyes for a moderately uncomfortable period of time, which is preceded by making out.

I’m waiting…

I’m waiting…

BAM! Green light, we stare. It’s my shot! I go in for the kiss, I lean towards her and…

She yanks her head back so far from me that I almost lose balance. My heart dropped. My eyes widened open, and we looked at each other, shocked for a moment. I slowly leaned back into my seat, wanting to die. All that buildup, all that anticipation, all that confusion just for that. I wanted to leave that moment, but I couldn’t. I don’t know what kept me there; maybe it was the notion that I still had to be respectful the entire time, like it would be rude to just leave.

Our fondling stopped, we finished the movie, and left.

I was in a daze. I dissociated the rest of the time, so I don’t remember much of what we talked about as we walked to my car and as I drove her back home. But I do remember one thing I asked her:

“you said your a filmmaker, you don’t really like older movies, so what is your favorite movie then?” “Forrest Gump”

She got out of my car, and we never spoke to each other again.